Today is gonna be the day

That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do

It was really hard, One Pissed Off Liberal, reading your diary Suffering in America today.

Today.
Today is the day I decided to give in and not fight my landlord anymore.  I'm going in to see him tomorrow and I'll give notice because that is what he wants me to do so that this house can be rented again before the fall. I'm not certain I know where to move - bad credit, still catching up from being unemployed for a year, no money, no savings, no assets, no family, no friends with money anymore.

Crossposted at Dailykos

Sine Cerere et Baccho friget Venus.

I'm one and a half months behind on rent, two months behind on car payment, won't make my insurance payment, have no health insurance and can't afford right now to go to the doc (he sent me to collections anyway and I understand) and get my prescription refilled (which is required for the meds I'm on) and so I'll likely go dangerously anemic which is what happened last time I went off the meds, plus I can't afford the antidepressant which only makes me a bit numb and not frantic, but doesn't actually help the underlying depression or the cause of it, payday is a week away and I've already used up the payday loan I took out a couple of days ago -

and look, now I'll have to pay that back next week, which means I won't be able to cover the rent, or the water bill that is due, or get new tires on the front of my car (no tread, I mean, no tread), won't be able to send in the car tab fees and I'm over a week late on the car tabs, so the cops might nail me for expired tabs any day (they did last year and I forgot and it went to collections and I wound up paying almost $400 by the time they tracked me down through my move to this house), and I'll have to find a home for my dogs (know of anyone who wants two wonderful American Eskimo dogs - Sachi and Mo?), and luckily I know someone who will take one of my cats, and if I can't pay my rent, how in the hell will I be able to move somewhere else, what with moving costs and storage if I move in with a friend and how can they stand me and my two teenage daughters, anyway, and what if my wages are garnished because of the lien against me that a debt collector just placed and I spent more money on NSF charges at the bank last month than I ever had in positive balance,


And after all
You're my wonderwall

and I'm still a full-time working, full-time parent who has to keep an even head when there is a teenage crisis and act like I'm doing okay, because there's only so much drama even a teenager can handle, and there's no milk, mom, well, there won't be, dear, for a bit until I find where I put the jar of pennies that we can take to Coinstar, and there's still some Ramen in the cupboard and I bought those Michellina's dinners for 10 for $10 the other day at the store, you'll just have to suck it up and eat carbs again, and yes, there's still some tortillas left.  Toilet paper? Shit.  We're out.


Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out

What's my point? Well, yeah, I'm in a spot where I should likely claim bankruptcy, but you know what? It wouldn't do any good anyway since the laws changed - and, filing costs me money I don't have to begin with. This is an ownership society - if you don't own anything, you have no leverage against hard times. No equity. There are so many single parents out there in a far worse situation.  OPOL's diary tonight slapped me in the face - I'm having a rough time, and yes, I've been depressed and anxiety-ridden,  I can't sleep at night, so I'm dragging at work during the day, and when the depression gets really bad, I wonder, I just wonder about suicide and how someone could do that. Don't misunderstand me - I'm not saying I'm suicidal - I'm saying I wonder how someone does it and feels like they can take such an action and walk away leaving their families with their pain and their baggage. But, you know, just stopping it all seems appealing, or it would if I wasn't so mad and ashamed to be in this spot. 

I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
about you now

Think how many millions are out there like me, but with less potential or ability? And I have never been poverty level and you would never know to look at me that I am in the sorry deep hole that I'm in.  I have every potential and benefit and significant amount of intelligence in the world and I just fucking can't seem to either catch a break or make it work. I'm too tired all of the time, and I feel old and realize that there is very little time left (if I even live that long) where I can set any kind of retirement up even if I got retirement benefits, and I'm unfocused and I'm disorganized, though I pretend otherwise at work, but the bills are piled in a cardboard box unopened and the calls from one creditor have averaged 12 - count `em - 12 calls a day, and that is just one creditor. He's been making 12 calls a day for the last month. And I can't fucking pay and you can't take any more out of my account, damn you, because it's always in the negative now.  Sounds like I really need the meds, eh? I can't get arrested and I can't get laid.


Okay, I'm drawing back now. Calm down. What's my point?  Oh yeah, the 100th comment in OPOL's diary:

"It'll catch up to us all eventually...
if we don't turn this damned ship around!"

Thank you, One Pissed Off Liberal, for a "kick-me-in-the-butt" diary, and many other diaries, that have made me feel ashamed of feeling sorry for myself today.  It's another day tomorrow and I still have a job, goddammit!

It's just another less-than-eloquent meltdown, folks.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Wonderwall by Oasis

Comments

[Marcia]

Hi. Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
I am from Eritrea and learning to write in English, give please true I wrote the following sentence: "Mc1r has a previously therapeutic care in heated types right as baldness, effects and awards."

Thank you so much for your future answers :P. Marcia.